Grace in the Morning:

poetry found and continued :)

2009-03-14T14:52:18Z

I see a post where I said I lost my poems, well FOUND MY LOST POEMS all of them :)

is there anybody still on here?

2009-03-14T14:41:15Z

facebook me Lovies!! you all were some of my most favorite people...

it won't search, but if you send me a profile of you I want to add you!! my email is gracelessroom@gmail.com if you would like to be on my facebook, it sure would be nice to have y'all because i NEVER felt like I have to censor myself with you all back then....

:-)

2008-04-04T19:01:29Z

*****

just as I was warming up

2007-07-31T03:58:10Z

I volunteered this past summer at the Children's Art Camp through a local museum.
Went to Horn Island for the first time and wondered how I have lived on the coast since I have been 13 and nobody ever took me before, but then remembered the type of life I had at that time for 2 years and then the years I was married with someone who wanted to control or hide me and then how I ran away basically after the divorce to another country in all my spare time, and it all made since that I had not ever been before to any of our little local islands until then.

I met a couple that has basically adopted me into their family. We spend spare time and weekends together. Literally, I have met their extended family. My entry about the details here is a lazy quickie. We go out, go to house parties and barbeques, with them introducing me to all their friends as we go along. Or we just laze around in their home with our kids all around us :-)

I met someone last month I think I just might be falling in love with quicker than he is willing to have me. I don't know what to do with the times we are not together since I want to have him constantly. It's pitiable, truly. I won't write about this openly because it is far too intimate and current. Can you fall in love this fast? I haven't even whispered the possibility to him of course. I'll at least be honest and admit it here in my own written world.

I tried building a My Space but it doesn't feel at all like home. I don't use it so far. I am remembering how much I enjoy writing in this livejournal, and can't exactly say why I stopped writing so much. Hiding I guess.

I think I lost all my poetry. I can't find the disk I saved it on and the original computer was rebuilt. I used to nag myself to get them on paper but didn't. How can I start all that writing over again? I feel like I lost a part of me, my memories because everything I wrote was from life experience.

I am reading Anne Sexton's poems right now. I bought her book of collected works. Have been reading a lot this summer. Just now finished "A Thousand Splendid Suns."Khaled Hasseini (spelling check on that name later). Devastating.

Now I start back to work this week and summer feels like it just melted away. Much of it in a haze.

Grandpa on 2 Summer Days

2007-06-23T17:43:03Z

I had two moments with my Grandpa I don't want to forget. I was around him without trying to plan it. He has actually sought to spend time with me on purpose the past two visits to Grandma's house.

So here I am, wanting to feel the type of love that only comes by the act of being pursued when it comes to me in the most unexpected embodiment...Grandpa! But why not my PawPaw? It is as if his unconscious knew that I was craving attention, needing to spend quality time with someone who just wants to be around me for the sake of my company.  Grandpa, a someone who only wants good for me and has no alterior motives, is ideal. Now I can refer to these days and have a comparison for simplistic companionship.

All during our time together, because he is in his 80's, of course, the grey thought of dying is on the fringes of my mind. I see his long nails, his faltering movements.
What sort of activity does Grandpa seek with me? Well, I needed the weedeater Momma gave to me (it was over there and I had to pick it up), but it broke while he was showing me how to start it. Instead of sending me home with a broken down weedeater, he opted to work with me to fix it. Even though I needed to get home to bake my little girl's Birthday cake with her, I knew it was my only chance.
Feeling very much like a single mommie, I was helping him, holding the machine still, fitting the drill to the screws, and simulating other small manuvers his aged hands could no longer manage. The darn thing never was fixable then. It wasn't even my purpose to fix it at all anyway. I would just buy a new one I kept thinking. By the time it was back together again and still broken, I saw the material value of what it would have been if we had succeeded. His tools were a bit rusted, fishing lures hung on the tack board. Once he shot a pesky wasp with a dose of his lubricant through the long red arm attached to the spray can. Today, Grandpa made me spiritually fixable, taught me how to be patient and do what needs to be done with mechanical determination unto the last moment.

The next day, I wanted to pick some blueberries after swimming with my kids in my Aunt's pool. The bushes are in the back yard at Grandma's so I went over there. During the summers, at least one day, I use some time to pick blueberries for cooking. After a bit of the late afternoon spent with me clammering through limbs and climbing up a little step ladder, Grandpa came outside to hold down the high branches for me so that I could get those big plump berries on the tops of the bushes. He was so patient, insured that I went home with the best berries on the trees. I have no Father. Death. Today, Grandpa is standing beside me and I can smell him like an old green paint-chipped skiff that has basked dry on many a summer day after rolling over the brackish brown waters of Mississippi rivers.

what to do with the time

2007-06-01T16:00:16Z

I went Wednesday to the local museum that highlights the life of a favorite Gulf Coast artist, born in New Orleans and raised here on the coast of Mississippi. I volunteered and they were eager to have me aboard, especially for the day children's camp coming up in June. I was also told I can do the front desk and the gift shop. The form I filled out had all sorts of options to volunteer for and I checked many of them. Julie says everyone at the museum is very flexible with scheduling. The lady in charge of coordinating scheduling still has to call me. I want to go back and remind them heh but am making me wait and be patient.

I went to the greatest doughnut/coffee shop in the world this morning right before heading to the gym. Isn't that just great! The little shop is a local business and makes one of a kind doughnuts. BUT I did lose those 5 lbs I had put on and I am buying no sweet snacks for the pantry, so it can be a small allowance.

My Great Aunt has offered her pool for us to use this summer. I took the boys last week and would like to go by myself today, am waiting for her to return my call, but since it's last minute, her schedule might not allow for it. And so in the meantime, I am going to find something worthwhile to do that will use my time. Since I have been putting writing to the side for so long, it may be time to set my thoughts lose in the open where I can evaluate what's goin' on with me lately.

conversations

2007-05-26T22:31:29Z

Mom came by for lunch today. She oredered us all pizza. I spent the afternoon exchanging stories and memories with her. Grandmother called in during her visit and included her own little tid bit.

"I couldn't sleep last night at all " says Julia. "I was all out of sorts because I couldn't find a way to control everything I wanted to control. I woke up early early this morning with the solution."
This is unusual for Grandmother Julia to get up early because her lupas ties up her joints to her bed normally until very late in the morning.
"well, Grandmother," I ask, "How early exactly was it?"
"It was still dark outside," she answered.
"What were you wanting to control so badly, Grandmother?"
The cleaning lady had not been wrapping the vacuum cleaner cord all the way up and just in general had not been leaving the place clean enough.  So she got up and cleaned until the break of dawn.  Most vigorous activity will trigger an attack on her joints so this frustrated me, but I got her point. Still though, I told her to fire her maid and find someone more effecient. She said anytime I feel that lost sense that all it takes to cure it is to take matters into my own hands, get up, and DO something about it. :-)

The icecream Rice Dream never made it to her door because her driveway is too country for the delivery truck to get there.  :-( I wonder what I can DO about that ?? Even the owner of the store tried a second time,onher own to use an ice chest with dry ice in overnight regular mail, so she said on the phone. I will check again, make a short trip to the health store.

4 What It's Worth Book at the Salon

2007-05-20T02:05:03Z

What can I say for myself? That I adore a tree house where one can sit on the second floor wooden porch and rock the day away reading a book in the tops of Oak trees with Mardi Gras beads still hanging in their limbs, even in May. I had brought one of the books from my summer reading box that I packed off of the library shelves at school.
It is way worth the extra cost for how pretty and pampered I feel after a day at the salon with hardwood floors and ceilings, resting in a tranquil, Oriental theme. My hair feels and looks expensive, even if to my imagination only...I will live in this single allowed rhapsody and by go sensibility for this one luxury. This beauty spot has been my favorite since I was 15 years old and had my hair done professionally in the exact salon for the first time in my life.
To further justify the expense I say that after all I am only shopping at the thrift store for summer clothes. And I am not running around in my car so no gas $ makes up for the difference.
I decided that this summer I will be tanned and ignore the veins on the back of my well-muscled legs. Instead, I say that I have wonderfully highlighted blonde hair, long legs, and a sun tan. I can't care or worry about being not perfect (these are truly large blue veins that I have been super conscious of in the past). So I have a tight and short denim mini skirt I wore today. Yep, found it at the thrift store. It is the shortest item of clothing I have worn in ages and I mean ages, but not over short all the same. And I didn't care. (maybe a smidgen conscious still)
After a long time at the salon having my hair highlighted to be bright, after relaxing on the second story porch, I went to the book store and ate rasberry lemon cheese cake :-) oh so yum.

I bought Grandmother Julia some specialized Rice Dream ice cream.
Supposedly it should arrive to her very front door, packed in dry ice. She doesn't go out to shop anymore and this product is not easy to find (yet) in regular grocery stores.

A Mistake Lyrics
Artist(Band):Fiona Apple

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I'm gonna make a mistake
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time

'Cause I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine

And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure had fun, so

I'm gonna fuck it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path

And if you wanna make sense
What you looking at me for
I'm no good at math

And when I find my way back
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste for
A well-made mistake I wanna make a mistake
Why can't I make a mistake?

I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste for
A well-made mistake, I wanna make a mistake
Why can't I make a mistake

I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

run down of the run of the mill

2007-05-20T01:03:03Z

Won an Award from the Library of Information Science. Recognition based only but well-timed.

Took the GRE to get in Grad school. Passed it easy b/c I did so high on the language but was awful low on the math. Waited too long to apply and will have to go in the Spring semester, but that's fine.

Been going to the gym all the time now and man I am in the best shape I have been in my life! It is so nice to have toned and defined muscles!
Last day of my first year as a School Librarian was on Friday last! Now I have until August 1st to do whatever but won't do much. I have the kids a week at a time and then they go to their dad's for a week at a time. I'll probly break down and get Cable. Soon!

Howdy Neighbor

2007-05-20T00:19:42Z

The neighbors. Where to begin? Umm well when I first moved in you could say that I was aloof and unresponsive to over friendly 'ellos from that one guy. I don't want to be noticed or obligated to 'ellos.
I have this pretty big front yard. I mean it wraps down the road to the stop sign over there. I have the most inexpensive push lawnmower that WalMart can sell me. A Red Rally put together by my younger brother J! On the very day he came home from the hospital, he put together this lawnmower with me :-) It mows the grass tops only since the wheels are so high. I guess they can be lowered, but I had J put it together for me in the first place, well, because I don't want to lower lawnmower wheels. So I have been mowing the tip fringes of my lawn only. Imagine my delight when I come home one day to grass trimmed so low it could have been the military shave of a soldier boy.
Suddenly my friendly nature kicks in and shatters my reserve. I bake chocolate chip cookies and knock on the neighbor door with them still warm in my hand. His wife answers. She goes on to say that she fully expects to just come home one day and find that her husband has mowed all the way down the road, b/c he loves to use his riding lawnmower. Yes, the neighbors, an elderly couple, also had their grass shaved.
Next time, a while later, I see this guy he is surly and bending over a portion of his backyard privacy fence that is lying on the ground in his grass. "Good Morning" I go. "Don't talk to me," he shoots back. "Aww," I say, "did your fence fall down? That sucks." He knocks on my door a bit after that and asks if he can use that slab of concrete. I guess he needs a firm surface to work on his fence. "I'll give it back when I am done," he says. Amused I tell him sure as long as he brings it back again. As I thought, he used the part of my driveway that wraps to the side of the house to fix his fence on.
That day I came home and my grass had been mowed again! I made them a cherry cheese pie.
Yet, I was peeved when I came home yesterday to find a car parked in that spot. His yard was also full of cars and I did not feel like confrontation at the moment so I went inside and said nothing. The garbage had been taken to the side of the road for me. That morning after the garbage man came, it had been taken back to the side again. But still, I was not asked if someone could park there! I pay too much money to share my little place of space in this world without being asked.
When I came home from my day's splurge of hair salon and bookstore, the car was gone. So I parked there, when I never have before. Actions speak louder than words, but I wonder if I'll ever get my lawn mowed again. We'll talk about how much money I waste at another time.

christmas nite

2006-12-26T04:52:36Z

here in the world do i begin...

i have had a harsh and also a joyous christmas "weak" with my children. so much has happened with my son...he seems to all at once have lost a bowl full of his innocence in one weekend. long story too drained to really write...i typed it all out in here, on my journal and then deleted it. if anything i have more understanding for mother on how it feels to have no power over the fate of one's children - they are not ours - we do not own them.

i have been over at grandma's visiting the past couple days. j~ is there. i try to talk to him and pull him into the realm of conversation. the only result is a mocking cold shoulder, like i am not good enough to talk to or like he is just annoyed by me. grandpa said to me that he felt the same way...sometimes it is hard to remember that it is not j~ rejecting and hating on us (essentially) but it is just part of how he can't function. sadly, his not attending his courses resulted in all 0's and he wont be able to go to college now if he ever got well enough to try again. all i could do was talk all goofy to him as a child nearly , trying to toy around and josh with him like it was not hurting my feelings and then knuckling him when he ignored me and calling him rude. i dunno but i made him smile and chuckle at least twice.

my uncle in a wheel chair has a missing leg now and his wife my aunt is obese and tired and worn looking. grandparents are dissolving. momma does not feel at all like a well or an island of relief or even as wise as my steady 8 year old daughter, who has more ability to soothe with her childlike compassion than my mom and her bitter barbs ever could...so i am trying to keep keep the wheel of time in perspective...enjoying every now that i find myself in...incoherent here

bought some hard lemonade and drank all six for about 3 hours while talking to online friends & smoked a half a pack of cigarettes.

yah i am missing tom this now b/c usually i would be on my way to toronto tomorrow. but i remember the song he dedicated to me, then, that when we were togehter in life he would not dance me to it and i knew in that moment we were not going to make it. (he was drunk & angry that I disagreed with his idea about human equality< he thought some were above others) the irony is that the very thing he loved most so he said in me was what he could not stand b/c he had none of it in himself ~ compassion. right now, more than anything, i want to be in this woman's arms ~ GRACE ~ to comfort me... GRACE, where are you tonight?
U2 - Grace Lyrics



Grace

She takes the blame

She covers the shame

Removes the stain

It could be her name



Grace

It's a name for a girl

It's also a thought that

Changed the world



And when she walks on the street

You can hear the strings

Grace finds goodness

In everything



Grace

She's got the walk

Not on a wrapper on chalk

She's got the time to talk



She travels outside

Of karma, karma

She travels outside

Of karma



When she goes to work

You can hear the strings

Grace finds beauty

In everything



Grace

She carries a world on her hips

No champagne flute for her lips

No twirls or skips

Between her fingertips



She carries a pearl

In perfect condition

What once was hers

What once was friction

What left a mark

No longer stains



Because grace makes beauty

Out of ugly things



Grace finds beauty

In everything



Grace finds goodness

In everything

Sorrows

2006-12-16T07:30:43Z

Grandpa and Daniel had to pick up J~ from jail today. When they went to go get him for the Christmas holidays and bring him home from College, that is where he was. He had been there for three days!! How can I not blame mom for not even knowing? He apparently never went to the office to sign for his student loan and so it never went through to pay for his dorm. When they asked him to move out he would not leave and so they had him arrested and pressed about 3 different charges against him that were all dropped once daniel explained that j~ is schizophrenic.
So he is home.

on being stoic

2006-12-11T00:31:10Z

I suck at being stoic. Somehow I had convinced myself that the truth is that I don't want to have a relationship since I love the independence. I didn't ever want to seem like the sad and lonely lady who has her youngest and most fruitful years being wasted away. When really the truth of the matter is that I want so much more than what currently exists in my life but I refuse to go questing for it in some artificial hunt for the best of what is out there but hidden. I don't want to be raw and vulnerable. Dating would feel like having men pick at my bones. I am sure it would be obvious how hungry I am for love. And an emotionally starving woman is not attractive. I see other perfectly attractive, older single women who are still single and I think oh my god the men are only getting older too! I am too young to waste away!

I have been tangled up in an emotional daze and under a blanket weight of something so heavy the past month that it is threatening to drain my joy and halt my drive to keep juggling with life. I feel like giving up. I do. All that I really want in the deepest core of me is what I am afraid I may not ever get the chance to have. The deepest core of me just wants nothing more than to be a mother at home and to watch my children grow up with a complete family; I want to have a husband I feel totally safe with. My greatest joy would be to see my children interact with a Father that I love and respect. It would have been my biggest dream because I never even had a Dad who was there for me at all times.

Painful truth feels like this dream is too late already for me to achieve. I have yet to even feel close. My 3 babies are growing up in two worlds and I never respected their dad and no matter if it was right or wrong, I only felt like a victim of karma's cruel twist and was trying to be a martyr to stay married in misery. I can forgive the me that made all those arrogant mistakes back then. I am living now with the constant consequence. I don't have a complete family. Nothing in my life feels whole or true.

I want to be found. I would love to harbor a secret hope that a man somewhere would accept me and my children even in all our brokenness. He would be not ever be intimidated by the hypocrisy and manipulations of my children's dad. I feel like I would be the greatest wife because I adore those I love. I am trying to be the greatest mom, but am I ignoring that my babies NEED to have a role model in their life and it would be better for us if I had someone loving me. I think that it would. I want to be loved. I want my children to see that I am loved. I want to give away my heart for once in my life and love a man who I know I won't eventually leave even from the first day. I don't have the strength for the chase. I am afraid that if I let go of my guard for even a moment, that my heart would betray me and fall in love too easily with someone who won't love me back the same way or who would not be able to give to me my most secret desires ~ I ~ want ~ to ~ be ~ at ~ home ~ holding ~ my ~ lover's (a husband) ~ baby. So I am stoic and I lie even to myself.

I am calling out my own bluff now.

My lie is this: I am okay alone. I never want another baby. I would love to just work and be single so that I can go anywhere I want over the summers and take as many college courses as my heart desires. It is hard for me to fall in love.

pinched

2006-11-26T19:55:30Z

missbehavann

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: grace_is_real

pixies in heaven *lyrics of a song that "came to me"

2006-11-26T19:17:11Z

hahahaha
I have my random radio on and this is the lyrics of a song that just now played 
by a group titled PIXIES which the timing is amusing after my describing the impish 
presence of little pixies during my praying.
And I was simultaneously reading this online when the song came on the radio > "

You can also do the Namaste meditation as a part of your regular meditation periods. While in meditation, consider your day, and the people you interacted with, and ask to be shown how the Divine is within them, and working through them. For the most part, accepting that they are a part of the Divine, is enough.

Especially when you first start to practice this, you may feel like you are being guided to certain actions or conclusions... surrender this information, do not act on it. If there is truth in it, Goddess will repeat the information via many synchronicities to be sure you get the true message."

LYRICS from the PIXIES: and this song sounds like it is sung by a strangling voice. lol

In Heaven
  Everything is fine

  In Heaven
  Everything is fine

  In Heaven 
  Everything is fine
  You got your good thing
  And I've got mine

  In Heaven
  Everything is fine

  In Heaven
  Everything is fine

  In Heaven 
  Everything is fine
  You got a your good thing
  And you've got mine

  In Heaven

lyrical prayer

2006-11-26T17:18:20Z

Hallelujah

Listen:Hi | Med | Lo (Windows Media)

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Hallelujah

2006-11-26T16:24:59Z

Grandmother’s Half Mile

Julia Lou called me on the phone this morning.

"I just got back from my half-mile walk and I have something to solve your dilemma!
You are telling the wrong story and it is partly b/c that is what you are immersed in and you need to give up that story line in order to begin telling the story of grace to your soul. Embrace Grace, that is your name and you have given it to yourself because a part of you understands how much you need it. Turn Grace over to your soul. Thy Will Be Done."

You have to give up your story and in your mind remember that it is your story and then you can say

"who am i" ?

? ? ? how do we LOVE ourselves once we give up

our i and me,

then who is LOVING and who

My horse kissed me this morning. he pressed his lips and nose against me and sort of pushed me. her voice tickled enamored like a child's mind thinking on her horses kiss. he kissed her for the first of a hundred horse kisses before on her walk to her half-mile away there and back mailbox.

She asked if I had any copy of her Haiku she had written when a past horse died. I don't have a copy of even one coveted line! Her story was my gift presented in her high whispery lilt.

"He kept calling to me from outside," she said. When he was dying he wanted me to be with him all the time and when I was away he would call to me...she made his high pitched goatish kid faint squeal of urgency...and i could hear her horses mind in the pitch of her voice. She gave to me the moment like agift and I stood now, there in her spot, with her horse also. We all three knew death was birthing from our breasts breathing with the horse now. Inhale death exhale birth inhale life exhale life movement turning heavy hold of the inhaled breath in gentle iron clamps of release. Without words now, with only Julia's replication of her horses voiced prayer, I knew of Julia's own dying intimately. We were all three being called with that same etherial neigh to the door of wordlessness.
They dug his grave. On the hill they were able to coax the horse to lie down to a spot where he could be drug into the ground later, and once he died. He called to Julia Lou from his spot. She could not sit in the dirt constantly. She heard him from her window. He died then "His mane looked like the wind was blowing it the way that he fell into the ground he looked like he was running. The first layer of dust was downy thin and it was perfect to be covering him with the good dirt."
He died then. She could not sleep. He called to her. that is when his haiku breathed through her. Then he died.

Julia told me in her teaching tone, "Give up your silly books. Give up your fictions.

begin to write your story of grace and give it to your soul. the grace is not something ahead of us. it is our here and now. "

Everybody has somewhere (that spot) to give up the I the me.

Those Fiction books you are reading are hiding the Spirit. They delay things. Give them up until you work these things out.

Don’t nurture those things. Job is the Book that says how fierce God is...those hurricanes and tsunamis are just part of the Creation. We don't have to rationalize it all. See those sufferings as the tornado. It's not because you didn't love God enough. It's all God. WE call it a name and we are stuck with it and replay it over and over instead of glorying in the wonders and fierceness of God. The sun that can blind you and kill with its fire-- those aren't bad they are necessary. We have to acknowledge them both as the Will of God and not that the Will is harm, but it is a mystery and we have to bring it together as One before we can understand how powerful God is.
Being in your (spot) is where the repent comes in b.c. you have to realize that you don't know it all that you do make mistakes and be humble enough to know that you will make them again. you can't have a life without the Spirit. Your soul will grieve and grieve.

your miseries are OK because they drive you back to the peace and the love and the joy. "

~Namaste~(the divine in me aknowledges and pays tribute to the divine in you.)

recommended author : Allan Watts

Recommended singer : Leonard Cohen (the one who was lovers with Janis Joplin) *Hallelujah & Joan of Arc*

marriage

2006-11-26T15:01:37Z

I woke up this morning alone in my bed and felt gloriously grumpy that I was awake. I grumbled just for my own sake to prove my aloneness by being the only ONE to hear my own mumbles. Pouting, I pulled the covers tighter around me but the annoying expanding sensation in my bladder pressed me out of the covers and to the washroom. My face was swollen in the mirror and my hair was all greasy and so I took a hot shower, pretended that I was washing for an unknown lover. The soothing shower turned only long enough to just wash out the oil from my hair and scrub between my toes because my imaginary HE was coming soon!

When I got out of the shower, I slathered on my lotion named "Sensual" that smells (yep) sensual :-) Then I sat cross legged and nude on my bed while I blow dried my hair. And I was content. I made a cup of coffee and lit my Japanese incense in my room. Daigen-koh Great Origin: Ingredients:Sandalwood (Santali lingnum), Cinnamon (Cinnamoni cortex), Borneol Camphor (Dryobalanops camphora), and spices. It is a soft smoke and not overpowering how some incense can become.

I climbed back into bed and decided to take myself in an example of love instead of images of lust and violence. I realized in my moment that I have not ever used this ritual as an act of love...this giving and taking...that no man has actually been loving on my soul while roaming between my thighs. Does that ever really even happen together? Well of course I know it does. I admitted the cold hard truth to me. I want the LOVE. I did not feel pathetic for my little mental game I played with me, because I realized I need to just learn to LOVE myself in all my glorious aloneness. If I LOVE me then there will be no room for me to accept the malicious solicitations of men who only view me as a prize to dominate.

Yesterday I spent a good amount of time talking to my Grandmother Julia on the telephone & she is always my teacher, my kindred spirit, my mother, and my friend at once. She is dying of lupas. She touches the face of God with me when we talk....we walk, wrapped in one another's arms, through the mysteries of AGAPE LOVE.

It has been feeling like I am clamoring for new relationships lately (friendships, this does not mean with men here). I have so much time I think quietly, that I ought to have all sorts of people to entertain and be entertained with! Yet when I look around myself, I am already surrounded by friends and family who love me. It is me who has been rejecting what is IN my life. "Spend the days figuring out why it is that you want exactly what you have," those are Grandmother's words of advice to me.

This morning I was protesting I have surrounded myself with a bunch of little pixie sprites that I am sure have been mocking me even while reading me my fortunes. Silly little creatures dancing in my rooms while I have been ignoring God in me.

I let God know that I have been missing our times together. He searched my heart with the strange sensation that comes over me when I completely bare my soul and heart, when I admit to myself all my emotional and mental secrets and my inner most calculations, there is God waiting to embrace me in Truth.

I spoke with my California friend again whom I love so much, and by the way *grinning* I meant no mocking when I spoke in an earlier entry about her advice for me to draw clear boundaries where the Spirit Guide could and could not follow me...because today I just may ban all those little critters and watch for God's Will instead. But last night California pointed out to me that there is something that I am masking with all my sudden urges and longings for this - this

"nothingness".

Her exact words elude me because they became gossamer strands in my dreams and the daylight melted them...it was so late when we spoke on the phone. But when they were spoken, they impressed me.

Yes, I need to embrace myself just the way I am and accept that it is alright that I am sad to have no lover to share all the good things about me with. SO I will just have to begin sharing the good things about me with the people in my life NOW and stop harboring them quietly away for some unknown somebody to tap into once he arrives on his white horse in some unknown future moment (oh safe tried and true fairytale ride). You know Cali, when I asked you who was getting "the best of you" I was actually asking myself that question. You are right, I do need to go visit those old ladies and paint their fingernails after all!

Hmmm It is a cold outer darkness when I step out of the Blessed Will. With the winds of hell in my hair I am nothing but a scared cold woman worrying that the walls will fall down around me because of my inadequacies.

I only felt wanted this morning when I prayed. I only felt whole in the presence of my Maker. I spoke my innermost secret to God this morning.

"I have so much to offer. I am far too young to not be loved. I do not want an existence barren of giving a man the service of my heart desire. Please don't write for me the same fate as my mother after my Dad died....aloneness. I would make such a good wife!"

No man has really ever actually loved me! I have not had the chance to even demonstrate how loyal I would be to "his" love. And then it occurred to me how disloyal I am to the Greatest LOVE of all, how in my lust for the sensual, I have been shunning the most perfect LOVE that there is! I am left with a distinct drive to just wed myself to LOVE and be done with the hunt. To walk in LOVE and just be the bride of GOD WILL. Those little pixies dancing dolly circles around my bed froze in their startled shimmering stances of surprise. They curved their tiny hands up to hide their mouths while I hid my soul burning behind my arms wrapped around my head while I let LOVE see the bare Truth of my life.

morning research

2006-11-25T15:06:28Z

This morning I have been spending some time reading online about the symbolism Tarot, and got diverted in Wikipedia with Gandhi...here is how following links from Tarot somehow led to Gandhi [Although it cannot be seen in all modern cards, The Fool is often walking off a cliff. This raises the question "Is The Fool making a mistake, or is The Fool making a leap of faith?"

A quote: Gandhi said once, “If you would swim on the bosom of the ocean of Truth, you must reduce yourself to a zero.” The Fool can be seen as that Zero who can swim in the deeper waters up mentioned.

Another issue surrounding the fool is "Who is calling him The Fool?"]

I ended up finally reading a bit more of Gandhi's story and the Politics behind his fasting and protest for the independence of India from British rule.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." - Mahatma Gandhi

blessed passing

2006-11-24T20:28:55Z

I'm not sure what rushes me enough anymore that I am not too lazy to write about it.

it's crazy because just knowing I might not have a lover for sometime makes me panic with obsessing about having a lover when even when i was with tom we spent months apart. this will not ever do. sex is far too rewarding to not have in my life at least when i want it. patiently not forcing someone to emerge is the greatest discipline of all. it would be so easy so easy to find someone tonight if I went out ... but it would be so unnatural. so fruitless. no chase. no heady rush since i would already know the end of my own trail and his attempts would seem laughable to me b/c I'd already know he was as good as used and I was as easy as cheeze whiz on a saltine cracker. cheap and fast lol. i refuse to become that way. so i stifle myself and wait in a continual heat of suffering for the lack of being touched. pathetic.

some of my time

2006-11-24T18:59:49Z

so i have an entire day to write in if i want to. all this time. what will i say to myself? why do i want to write any at al? why do i have this drive to keep on this way..never writing always wanting to write something that will matter to me. the keyboard i am using is disgusting because it has the ick of the man who used it before me stuck in little clumps inside between the keys.
so do i want just some indiscursive rambling? the keys stick and i will find it annoying to have to correct if i do decide to just GO and WRITE without stopping...i wonder what will come out what garbage has been stored up in the composte of my mind?
so let me meander and end up with an enormous entry in my journal way too long for anyone to be able to read.

i would like to write about something besides myself and my own self absorbed little life here...i will write about a man whom i do not know.

something bad has happened in his marriage and i think it is that his wife is too thin but that might just be his way of joking and hiding the truth. the truth is that he is a mean person just like he said he is. he really did get so mad that he could have struck his wife when she did not do the laundry but made a lie of a partial truth and so that is how you lie. you think about something true while you string together your meaningless story of happenless events. what never happened in his life is what makes him pursue the hunt to this day. he hunts for the chase only. because he is a coward to make any real kill.
soon what stands out most is his boyish, darlinged swagger and laughing gaze after the women get to know him. he plays the system so well that the first impression he radiates is old-fashioned family oriented man of whom aren't you jealous of his picket fenced opportunities. yet as soon as the first scent and first print has been scried to a future erogenous sighting, then all a sudden the chase begins and only the facade is left behind. to run fast enough there has to be a nakedness. swiftness for escaping is utmost.
so i stoppppped writing while my mind wrapped around its secret. i couldn't type and think at the same time b/c my mind moved way too fast. how cliche i am . how unlike and the exact same as any other human being so why bother writing any of the ways i feel is what i usually end up deciding when i stop writing stuff. even in HERE on my most unspeakable thoughts journal, i am censoring me and deleting past entries. heh well i deleted some because of the sensitive nature of an ongoing something that has to be kept secret no matter where anybody went to look. it would be too much of an indulgence to write on this topic, but it consumes my mind. like a thermometer our last conversation was a gaging of how often do i think on it...would i take so and so risks...measuring my safety i guess.

honestly i think i am just living in the wrong town. still tied to my past that was not my choice to feel like i am myself again. even though i came out of the sick bed of momma's den, i am still learning to walk...physical therapy part II of recovery. now this time really on my own single as single can be and wanting just a little bit of company let the heart strings tie up in him if they might b/c there can't really be any demands made...there i go again self-aabsorbed ... are my thoughts really so one directional??
the man in the health food store is my fascination. wooden basket. offered service. soft and gentle brown eyes. but something in the undercurrent of his aura so dark that it came up twice - online query: once in runes and once in tarot ...

deep breath write what is really wanting to get out is this woman's story

who she would be

" i'll find her in a moment that embodies so much symbolism in my mind...standing in front of a lover, slowly teasing her clothes off her body because it is not about the sex at all. it is the journey of where his mind explores between the tight pulses and the blessed lessening when she recovers the pink glimpses with a safe piece of cloth, a strip of lace. she is beautiful when her lashes flutter on her cheek bones. the permanent ghost watcher normally watches her from the backyard windows. the Gazer of her dancing is the master of at least nine feet of space around himself at all times so none of her demons can reach them in the span of his breathing. he can see glitter on her arms shimmer and layers of clothing fall away to expose her nothing. it is one more secret stroke of her arm branding her mind. OWNED. she will wait days clocked in unknowing hours ticking heavy as the ghost's chained feet moving across her yard outside. just to be watched in her room. to have another Gazer find her new. she does not want to grow old at all. that is a revelation she hides in her blushing. with rhythm, she lifts her inked brush, writes her script all along the wall, writes about his defeat. she counts on betraying him in time. to prove her existence she has to be raw over and over again. only one soul is never new again. she understands and wont question why he is staring so hard at her raw sensuality. his desire for her is stronger than her need to hide in the guise of wicked diminutiveness. and all she can think to herself is the word languid...he is so infinitely languid.

goddess quotes

2006-11-24T17:46:12Z

some open window quotes: from Open Windows Creations

Spend 100% of my time on solutions. Do not indulge or dwell on any unresourceful thoughts or emotions.—Anthony Robbins

Boldness has genius power and magic in it. Until one is committed, there is hesitancy; the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness: The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance which no person could have dreamed would come their way. Whatever you want to do, begin it. — Von Goethe

no brother

2006-11-24T16:58:28Z

jason would not come home from college this thanksgiving. i think he is withdrawing again.
he was on the bench outside of his dorm and he would not talk to mom and my brother (i was not there) but he WAS talking to everyone again when he left...he seemed to be himself again but now is shunning us. how could mom come home without him??

i am so angry about this. sure of course she can't control his choice, but she seemed relieved practically when she was saying that he would not come home. i would have begged my own child and i just don't think that she made him feel wanted enough!!

do people really stay so angry when the family sends them to a mental hospital? my son said he thinks it is the family's fault that j~ is sick even. he didn't understand when i tried to explain how it is chemical and genetic and so forth....and even while i was saying all this a part of me felt like a hypocrit b/c i believe in the rawest fiber of myself that the physical/ emotional environment is capable of altering our chemical and biological composition over time.

and ya know what? i turned down insanity's hand of welcome before it occurred to either my mother or my brother to take that dance...and i would have danced her dance with such a fairer step! i never counted on witnessing the deep rivulet of rejection that runs its course through their gazes. and yes i do still consider momma as touched occasionally and stroked occasionally by the divisive hands of dementia.
so part of me feels like this sense of entitlement now that we have fed schizophrenia in our kitchens. i am entitled to own the collar now and gripe that it did not come with a leash to use and pull back my loved ones like how they did on poltergeist...because do i really even want to face that much pain?
the anger comes from feeling accused by jason. i am angry with him because it feels like he does not think our bond is worthy enough to allow me to enter his realm. and part of me doesn't want to see either because of all the broken hearted sex that it has embodied now as its manifestation...misunderstood uses of sex used to accuse us --> look at what you have done to me by creating such a reality such a fucked up existence from the dark minds of all of you that my bright soul could not survive without caving into gyrations of unquenched hunger.

the wrong everything

2006-11-24T15:21:38Z

it's just not quite me, the way that i am having to live my life. it isn't reflecting my core ... what's wrong with me? i cant seem to fit in to my own life quite rightly. consumed with internal obsessions...dissecting everything that is wrong with my mother, unable to tap into my creativity the way that i want to...hating my self-consumed mind. ok so i will give this train of thought about to the end of the Pink Floyd song playing on the computer radio "High Hopes" and then move onto another topic. what i want to write about is , i have to keep writing, i listened to "Writing Down the Bones" on audio tape a bit more yesterday and in the writing practice she says "keep writing " keep the hand moving" and so i am .

my new home is exactly what i would want for myself at any point in my life so far if someone asked if it would be enough i can say yes. when i told my sister how much i am paying for rent, or anyone for that matter, they wince and comment that it is pricy. as if i am a fool for not buying something instead, as if i don't know that i would not qualify to buy a home yet. i had to get a place to live in and this IS the going rate for what i am renting these days. since after the storm (Katrina and me on the coast here)this is what is available for a thousand a month. and i am no fool. i can see myself here for a long time making little flower gardens around my front walk way and hunting for a table and chairs to put on the lime gray tiled floor in the kitchen. so

i haven't decided whether or not to take a second job in the summer waiting tables or to enroll in some classes. the GRE i need to take is in April and i can enroll in the fall for sure to get my Master Degree.

what feels wrong:
i have no social life right now aside from my friend Christine & family and so i got back involved in my yoga class where i am the youngest person there. and i am getting involved in a women's Bible study group (just because the Bible fascinates me) where i am also the youngest person who will be going there. I wanted to spend some of my extra time painting the fingernails of the old people in retirement homes (i have done that before) but Christine talked me out of it.
I considered creating a Match.com profile so as to begin dating again but i am so over the feeling of advertising it seems to create.
I bought some stuff that was totally a splurge and I should have saved the money. I hate spending money.
It doesn't feel right to not have a table & couch.
I feel like going up to the library and working even on my days off because i feel like there is so much to do over there that there is just not enough time to do it. It feels wrong to target a man for the sole purpose of using him for sex lol which it has been so long since I have had err sex it makes me blush to type it (uh yah right @ the blushing). waiting for someone who might or might not show up with the wind. I feel powerless as a mother, like i am just a floating "mom" identity in my children's lives. It feels wrong to want to have lunch with a lady friend of mine and having to wait for her schedule to be clear enough to squeeze me in since work has her so busy...it feels wrong when in words she returns the affection i feel for her and the desire to expand our friendship again when in actions no progress is being made...the old adage "actions speak louder than...." yeah yeah yeah
getting a sore throat because I smoked cigarettes when out with Christine at that dive.

what feels right:

shopping in the Thrift store

cooking for my children

taking Isabella shopping

reading in the coffee shop at the book store

laying in bed just to read a book

talking on the phone to my sister (i put off calling her but then every time i do talk to her a feeling of complete relief comes over me)
going with Christine to some dive to watch her brother play in his band for moral support even though i don't care for the place
buying CD's of music that I like
finding out what my children think about me by asking them third person questions about their mom as if they are being interviewed and questioned about me (that was funny b/c some of their answers really made me laugh)
cutting off any mental focus on what is NOT happening that I want to have happen and just accepting opportunities and events as they arise
getting dressed including wearing a little bit of makeup every day no mater what will or won't happen or if I will even get out that day.
buying food and vitamins and flax seed oil from the health food store

My obsessions are: what I spend entirely too much of my waking time thinking about is:

hyper focusing on the texture of my skin and feeling like it is no longer young (what gives with that?) touching my face all the time
being annoyed that the moons on my fingernails don't show since the cuticles are too high then biting on my cuticles
how uncomfortable I am that I came from my mother's identity
wanting to be alone but wanting to not be alone at the same time
sweet food anything that makes my mouth water to cut the sugary bite of something sweet and then I recall how I was not allowed to have anything sweet when I was a girl and the sick since of freedom I get when I have something sweet in my mouth
wanting to strip tease dance. since I accidentally walked in on a teen age girl, a friend's older sister, when I was in the fourth grade and she was rolling off her top while swaying to a radio and I saw her full breasts and how sensual it all was...ever since then I would stand in the mirror and peel off layers of clothing or in front of a lover and peel off layers of clothing, adoring his expressions
wearing high heel shoes. ( and getting annoyed when women comment "i don't know how you can wear those all day long" or "so is this the type of shoe you normally wear?" I have no idea why women view high heels as torture devices around here.)
feeling watched CONSTANTLY even when I know I am alone. lol and here my friend from California told me it is just my "Spirit Guide" and she said that all I have to do is to tell the Spirit to give me some space, and tell it where it can and can not follow me, it can not follow me into the bathroom etc. but the sick thing is that I have actually been spied on by males while I was in the bathroom at various points in my life. twice by little boys peeping at me when I was a little girl, one duration by an old man child molester living with us, and another time by *cringe* the ex father-in-law who had drilled the key hole larger just in order to peep. so after writing these events down I just figured out how deeply bothered I am by these invasions!

All right that is enough for now, and I am even going to post this entry public just because I KNOW that my sense of being watched is unwarranted. as if. is all i have left to say about this. as if.

grace_is_real @ 2006-11-19T09:38:00

2006-11-19T14:38:10Z

You scored as C.G. Jung. You are more of a spiritualist than would be immediately apparent. Some of your notions are questioned by the cynical, but deep down you know the human consciousness is more than the flesh and tissue can account for. You tend to take a scientific observationist look on matters the average person wouldn't even begin to analyze. You personally are responsible for most of the ideas that are floating around in modern psychologist's/psychic's paltry little skulls. On the down side, you tend to be associated with that asshole Freud.

</td>

C.G. Jung

83%

Dante Alighieri

67%

Friedrich Nietzsche

67%

Steven Morrissey

67%

Sigmund Freud

50%

Miyamoto Musashi

33%

Mother Teresa

25%

Stephen Hawking

Adolf Hitler

O.J. Simpson

Elvis Presley

Charles Manson

Jesus Christ

Hugh Hefner

What Pseudo Historical Figure Best Suits You?
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